See I’ve been the kind of person ,
who has been busy nursing .
Your wounds as well as mine ,
Starving so you may have more to dine .
I’ve come through when I was needed.
My bond never misleaded .
But , when it was the other way around ,
like wild grass on earth ; I was weeded .
Life is a road full of bends & I have lost a comrade on every end .
Now I’ve come to a bitter conclusion
the love I had was just an illusion.
I have come to terms with these conditions so grave .
The fake affection , wry smile and critical friendship is not what I crave .
Farewell , beacuse I’m never going to climb back the same starewell .
– Andrew Joseph
Moments after Calum smoked a pack he went into his room.He shut the drapes and locked it from the inside .
He went into the introspection of what it would’ve been like to not feel the way he does most of the time .
Tired of the hypothetical noose around his neck getting tight, he decided to go for a walk.Every step made him groan a little because of the injury he had .
He recollected the memory of the intense argument he had earlier this morning with his mother.It was an unnecessary event and he was unaware why it had to occur.
When he stressed over all he could conclude was he lost his temper for no apparent reasons.It occurred to him lately; he had been loosing his temper a lot .
He had been a quite figure .
Not having the guts to apologize he devised a penance for himself.
He peeked into the black leather wallet only to find 500 bucks .He needed for his mother was out of town today and he had to buy dinner .
What he did was gave this money to a man sitting on the corner of the road with torn clothes . From the looks of it that man was a beggar.He came back home thinking yeah that’s a good punishment because now he won’t have his meals for a night.
His way of life was twisted because no teen thinks so much .On his way back home he couldn’t stop contemplating .
Over the past years he lost his friends in the course of life.
He spent 24 hours of his birthday in a cold and dark room .
His dog died a few weeks back .
All the window of happiness seemed to have closed themselves .
All he could ask himself was that , ” is all the temper result of the source of happiness that took leave ? ”
Calum couldn’t think straight.
He felt the need to fight this feeling or maybe seek an escape .
Calum perhaps was a boy who couldn’t see that
all his suffering was spewing venom over his life events and little by little engulfing it .
Calum on his way back smoked another pack and then went directly to his bed.
He didn’t care about the smoke smell because there was no one to hide it from today.
Those little lightened piece of nicotine rods offered him company and escape for a while.
He lay with his eyes wide open in quite of the night .
He didn’t enjoy the company of his phone like he used to .
It was perhaps because he had no one to talk to or any one who would be interested in him or his life .
After swimming into the cloud of empty thoughts and nothingness he noticed that it was morning already .
He didn’t realize how these 8 hours passed .
He tucked in a hoodie and went for a walk in the morning fog with no sleep in his eyes.
He smoked a dozen of cigarettes again and wondered ” are there more people like me ? ”
He knew that no one would find about his life because none expects a teen to be leading such life .
Such kind of life only comes to light and taken seriously if it’s follwed by a suicide .
Calum wasn’t stupid to succumb to suicide however he had a hard time making a difference between living and surviving .
It was some kind of syndrome ; with time i forgot .
It was a kind of disease that won’t let me be at ease,
felt like fire on my chest ; I wanted it to seize .
I had good life along with bad days .
I said a lot of things
but not what lovers say .
You came to me in the middle of my misery
and asked me to be all you had .
Life seemed to me like a riddle
because in happiness ; I found sad .
I’m only half a heart ;
don’t break the little I have.
I said ‘NO’ ; I loved what we already had.
Now I know what’s my ailment , I just don’t know how to love .
Maybe that’s why you wreckned mine and
became someone else’s nerve
– Andrew Joseph